I've tried to be as much of a recluse as I could, considering the swelling issue I've been having, but it couldn't last.

By the way, to those of you who emailed me, asking me why I was complaining, ask yourselves this: have you ever tried living a normal life with a blatantly obvious erection? I'm not talking about that little boner that hits you when you least expect it, and you just have to stay sitting for 10 minutes to wait it out. No, I'm talking about a monstrous beast that looks like you've stuffed a full salami between your thighs and that pushes up to get past your belt and tickle your belly button.

I don't think a SINGLE woman has looked me in the eyes in the last few days.

There was ONE funny moment in all this, though. Mandy was here on Sunday. She brought me a bag of groceries, and just walked in my place (she has the key, of course), intent on cooking me dinner. Then she saw me, and stopped.

"Wow, you are one HAPPY fellow," she told my penis. "Attitude?" she asked, her eyes not leaving my crotch.

"Yeah," I answered.

She looked away and inside her grocery bag. "O-kay... Not appropriate, I think. Let's just order pizza instead."

I was puzzled. "What's in the bag?"

She showed me. Hot dogs.

Yeah. Pizza it was.