Occasionally (like last night), Lana and I go catch a flick. Yesterday, we went to see Due Date, with Robert Downey Jr. It's not a particularly funny movie, but (like Meet the Parents), it's chock-full of awkward moments that just make you squirm with discomfort. Normally, those distract me for about a half hour, then I focus on munching popcorn and texting some friends back.

But not last night.

We had caught the 9 o'clock feature, and the previews had barely finished when Lana began squirming. Except that it wasn't because of the comedy itself. I looked at her questioningly, but she didn't look at me. Her eyes were closed, and I could see she her nipples were poking straight out of her chest. (This, by the way, is a statement at how pointy and hard her nipples get, since she actually pads her bra near the nipple area in an effort to conceal them.)

She kept on twisting in her seat, trying to get herself under control, but I could hear her breathing getting faster and heavier. And I wasn't the only one who noticed. A guy next to her was making no effort to conceal his staring, and his female friend next to him was elbowing him unsuccessfully. Lana was blushing like mad, but was too caught up with her growing arousal to make any comments.

Like a gentleman, I grabbed my jacket (which was resting on the seat to my right), and put it over her, so she'd be covered from the neck down. She gripped my hand as I was about to pull away, and kept it under the jacket. I understood the cue and proceeded to rub her chest. She arched her back, pushing herself against my hand. Damn, those things were HARD! You could poke an eye out with them, or something!

After a few minutes of this, however, we could both see where this was headed. As did the guy to her left (who whispered to his girlfriend, "Can't help it, she's TOTALLY nipped out!"). I whispered into Lana's ear, "we really should go." She took the cue and got up, holding the jacket in front of her to preserve her modesty. We excused ourselves to the other people on our row. Lana's neighbor leered at her as she passed, her cheeks beet red; when I passed in front of him, he raised his hand to offer me a high-five, assuming I was about to get lucky. Honestly, Lana's a sweet girl and doesn't deserve this kind of crap. I felt a bit sick to my stomach and wanted to actually punch the guy.

But we moved on. We made our way to a remote cleaning closet in the staff-only area, and went at it like wild rabbits. Lana was definitely like a woman possessed, and it took a good half-hour before she... er... relaxed enough for us to get out of there.

Y'know, the perks of her condition are nice, but I'm feeling really horrible for the humiliation she has to go through. I'm going to have to ask her some tough questions about how and when this all started...