Of Cereals and Squirrels

I saw the darnest thing this morning, at breakfast. There I was, eating my cereals, when I saw a squirrel outside the back window. It was just scurrying around, looking for food. At first, I thought nothing of it, until it faced the window for a second. Then I saw it was a male.

An impressive one.

I’ve seen squirrels before, and they don’t come equipped with this kind of (ahem) male gear. This one was sporting a set of genitals I’d have expected on a small dog.

Attitude (who happened to flutter by at the same moment) denied any involvement in this. She added, “Better him than you, right?” and fluttered away.

Yeah. She got THAT right.

–Jaycee

12 thoughts on “Of Cereals and Squirrels

  1. Hmm. What Kind of misfortune could attitude be planning by making a squirrels privates bigger though?

  2. Just because Attitude denies any involvement doesn’t automatically mean she’s responsible. There ARE other fairies around, including one as yet unidentified fairy who was messing with Morgan (if memory serves). Not that this in any way proves that it WASN’T her, but right now we don’t have any way of knowing one way or the other.

  3. wow…. ya know, I got a few stories about squirrels myself. But seeing one with a ying-yang that belongs on a small dog? yeah, thats a new one.

    By the way… squirrels are omnivorious. how do i know this?

    I have witnessed them stealing pizza. PIZZA, MAN! the kind of things you learn at college will change your life. Especially the classes that don’t have professors teaching 😉

    1. One time, while camping…my mother came back to camp to find two squirrels fighting over half a pack of cigarettes. Half a pack that was a full pack when she left! They’d already eaten half of it.

      She cursed up a storm and ever after hoped that they died from nicotine poisoning. :p

  4. Hmmm, that sounds interesting. Let’s do some back-of the-envelope calculations:

    According to Answer’s.com, a Border Collie’s penis is 6″ long. Let’s aim for a smaller dog and say 4.5″ to 5″.

    Assuming the squirrel in question was an Eastern Gray Squirrel, which is pretty common in the US) it’s length would be something like 10″ to 11″ (sans tail). That would make the penis that you saw slightly less than half the animal’s body length.

    Translated to human proportions, given that the crotch is roughly at the midpoint of the body (lengthwise), we’re looking at a member that would extend up to a person’s face.
    Not much use in traditional intercourse but does allow for some creative possibilities, especially with imaginative partners.

    Now, Jaycee, I am not a bad person by nature, and I would not wish any misfortune on you but, since all the fairy curses inflicted upon you saw far were temporary, I find myself wishing that Attitude would reconsider her “better him than you” stance.

    1. Hey, look! I was a bit traumatized by the sight, so maybe I saw it as bigger than it was. And by small dog, I was thinking more like a chihuahua or something. Anyway, it was WAY too big for the poor little creature!

      As for getting myself “adjusted” in a similar manner, HECK NO! After spending TOO MANY WEEKS with a raging hard-on, I’ve had enough with being “big.”

      And if we’re going to delve into academic matters, aren’t we humans among the LEAST endowed of mammals? I thought I read that somewhere… Maybe this learned community has more precise info on this?

      (Anything to get the topic off MY wang.)

      –Jaycee

  5. As for getting myself “adjusted” in a similar manner, HECK NO! After spending TOO MANY WEEKS with a raging hard-on, I’ve had enough with being “big.”

    Hear that, Attitude? Jaycee really doesn’t want you making him bigger!

    aren’t we humans among the LEAST endowed of mammals?

    As far as primates go, humans are the most endowed (both in relative and absolute terms). As for other animals, here’s a primer:
    http://www.framingbusiness.net/archives/1567

    1. Shh! Shhhhh! SHHHHH!!!

      Are you CRAZY?!? She might hear you!

      –Jaycee

  6. Are you CRAZY?!? She might hear you!

    No Jaycee, I am not crazy. What I am, is a person that, among other things, enjoys reading blogs and webcomics that, as you so eloquently put it, “explore some sexual fantasies”. Which, I suppose, technically makes me a pervert.

    Granted, there are different kinds of perversions, some are quite harmless while others are downright deadly. I consider mine to be relatively benign, as I balk at inflicting harm or misfortune on my fellow men (or women), but temporary discomfort and a healthy dose of friendly teasing is fair game.

    So what I am trying to say is that not only that I hope Attitude and Minx will hear me, I will go to great lengths to try to attract their attention.

    Sorry man, them’s the breaks.
    Lurker.

  7. Ah, I see. So you’re just deliberately trying to have Attitude turn my perfectly normal and functional male junk into an elephant trunk!

    You, sir, are NOT my bro.

    I’ve got half a mind to censor comments like yours, but I’ve got pretty firm policies against doing that. I’m just going to hedge my bets and hope Attitude is too busy with her usual mischief to pay much attention to you.

    (And also, bear in mind that it’s YOUR kind of thinking that could turn this against you… Unless it’s what you want, of course, in which case she’ll just ignore you. 🙂

    –Jaycee

  8. Ah, I see. So you’re just deliberately trying to have Attitude turn my perfectly normal and functional male junk into an elephant trunk!
    You, sir, are NOT my bro.

    And you, sir, are way off.

    Time to drop the pretenses and see what’s really going on. Let’s start with the actors, we have:

    Attitude – A faery at (or near) the top of the foodchain, which means she’s old (in years, not appearance), experienced, intelligent, cunning, strong willed and completely amoral by human standards.

    Jaycee – Attitude’s “pet project”.

    Lurker – A random Joe on the net.

    Do you really think that Attitude can be influenced in any way by my postings? Look at it from her perspective: as far as she’s concerned, I am just a human male, lacking wings, magic and breasts. Ergo, nothing I say or do can be of consequence.

    The simple fact is, whatever plans she has for you (and trust me, she has) do not depend upon my actions.

    I’m just going to hedge my bets and hope Attitude is too busy with her usual mischief to pay much attention to you.

    Are you underestimating her? Not a wise course of action.
    One does not rise to the top of the fae hierarchy by being easily distracted.

    I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that Attitude has already read my posts (she does seem to follow the blog and even post when she fancies it). If you want to “hedge your bets”, put your money on lack of interest, not ignorance.

    And now comes the question: if I am well aware that Attitude does not give a flying fuck (pun fully intended) about my antic, why’s the dog and pony show?

    Look at your reaction. The mere suggestion of directing Attitude’s attention toward you makes you run for cover. Do you really think that you can avert your fate if you “behave”? Has she gotten you that well conditioned?

    Let me reiterate: she is a ruthless magical being who’s been (successfully) tormenting your kind for hundreds of years. Any exhibition of “human” emotion on her part is purely a simulacrum (note that I am not saying that does not have feelings or motivations, just that they are alien).

    So what I have done is put a mirror in front of you and said “boo”. Whether that makes me your “bro” or your foe is for you to decide.

    And also, bear in mind that it’s YOUR kind of thinking that could turn this against you… Unless it’s what you want, of course, in which case she’ll just ignore you.

    Jaycee, Jaycee, Jaycee… Surely you can do better than that.
    “My fairy will curse you, unless you’d like that, then she won’t” doesn’t have a true menacing ring to it. Even your threat of censoring me had more meat.

    There’s a simple reason I am not concerned: it makes no difference weather I dread Attitude’s curses or crave them — she will ignore me regardless.

    Attitude has been messing with you, your friends, your boss, other people around you… Notice a pattern?

    She chose you, and did so for a reason. I am not sure what this reason is but I suspect that your being a blogger and a comics artist with a liberal attitude toward fetishes has something to do with it. In any case, clearly you have some qualities that attracted her to you.

    I, on the other hand, have a perfect defence against her “attention” — I am a nobody, one of seven billion interchangeable nobodies. There is no benefit for her in seeking me out. Thus, I am secure.

    Sorry, bro, you’re it.

    Oh, by the way, concerning your statement about “turn(ing) my perfectly normal and functional male junk into an elephant trunk“:

    Firstly, nice rhyming attempt.

    Secondly, given that an elephant’s trunk can be 7 feet long and weigh 400 pounds, a member that large will be useless for anything other than anchoring you in place.

    However, if Attitude would achieve the same proportional sizes not by enlarging your “junk” but by shrinking the rest of your body, you’d make a perfectly serviceable dildo for your girlfriend.

    And, if your eyes bulge in horror from the thought that Attitude may read this post and heed my suggestion, then you completely failed to understand what I’ve been trying to tell you.

    Peace,
    Lurker.

  9. Oooh, I *like* you, Lurker. You have a bit of imagination, at least by human standards. You’re very right when you say that I have no interest in you. I don’t. But that doesn’t mean there are no faeries out there who’ll pay attention to you, some day. And the perverse and malicious streak I sense in you will make you an ideal pet for her, no doubt. >:-)

    As for your relationship with Jaycee, I welcome anyone who pokes and prods him. Be my guest if you feel like antagonizing him a little, he can use a few shoves in the right (or wrong) direction. A little backbone won’t hurt him (plus, it’s just more fun when my targets resist, so feel free to encourage him in that direction).

    Attitude

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